Disability covers such a wide variety of problems these days that it is virtually impossible to write a piece dealing with disability in general, except in the broadest terms.
Some disability itself can of course be very obvious; physical handicap for example the loss of a limb. Others are far less obvious: mental problems, restricted eyesight, deafness, the list is endless. Some disabilities are long term, in that we may be born with them or they may occur early in life or develop over a period of time. Others may be thrust on us as a result of some trauma or injury or illness. Sometimes coming to term with a disability can in itself be very difficult as well as having to deal with the disability itself.
In terms of dealing with disability in this site we are interested in the effects that disability can have on our choice of lifestyle: i.e. D/s and BDSM and how it affects our approach and our ability to exercise those choices and fulfil our needs. It is also worth noting here that while one person (in our case) is affected by the disability the ability to deal with that is best managed when both parties take part in, and buy into, the rehabilitation and recovery. That of course is part of a good relationship and we are lucky that we are in that position. It takes huge willpower, understanding and a passion to overcome the problems irrespective of what they may be. Disability is perhaps best seen as a joint problem rather than one that has to be dealt with by one person only.
Our experience is based upon one specific instance: stroke. My wife (who is also my lifestyle slave) suffered a stroke in 2005 and as a result is now partially disabled, unable to use her left arm or hand at all, and is very unstable when walking (she uses a stick). These more obvious signs of her disability as a result of that trauma are perhaps more easy to understand than the less obvious ones of emotional and mental difficulties which also come from an instance such as stroke.
Before the stroke cleo and I used to partake in various forms of BDSM play and our relationship was very much a physical as well as mental one. Since then we have had to change our relationship to a much more mental based one as much of the physical activity which used to form a major part of what we did is impossible now.
I think that in terms of a D/s or BDSM relationship, when as in our case the submissive became ill, it is very difficult for the Dominant to pick up where they left off: once cleo was well enough to think about "play" again she still had that need to be beaten or spanked, which is inherent in many submissives. As her partner I admit I found it very difficult to do that after her illness, because of my worry that she may suffer some form of relapse or further trauma as a result. This was enhanced by the fact that she was very emotional for some months after the stroke and that too was something with which we had to deal along with the physical problems.
So as a caring partner I was often afraid to play physically as there was always that fragility that comes with illness: "will I hurt her more if I do this" and so on.
Before one even gets to thinking about "play" there is the question of rehabilitation: in the sense of finding out what capabilities the affected person still has, and what they can do, or not. As well as that there is the reality of dealing with daily living. In fact we have found that developing ways to deal with everyday things (like shopping, and driving, cooking dinner, and so on) are as important to that rehabilitation as any part of our D/s lifestyle. As time goes on cleo has learned to adapt to using only one arm, and to deal with her affected balance and walking problems. All of these issues have a direct bearing on our levels of play and what we can and cannot achieve now, compared to what we did before.
One of the main lessons we have learned is that in our case, rehabilitation is ongoing, and is not measured in days or weeks or even months, but more often in years. Look back to six months ago, and realise that you can now do something you couldn't do then. That becomes a measure of either a form of recovery, or a learning to adapt to what you now have. Sometimes it takes a partner to point that out to the person, because in our experience they often don't see it themselves.
Since our sudden plunge into the disability arena we have become more and more aware of how many people can be affected and how disability can be such an individual problem for each person that it is almost impossible to write about how to deal with it, because every individual is different.
What I will say is that our lifestyle choice was never in doubt: we will always be Master and slave, and we will always find ways to express that both mentally and physically. It sometimes takes time to find the best ways, and the alternative ways to do things, but if you have the will, the answers are there, you just have to find them.
by MG & cleo} ©D/s Seekers 2007
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